So today I was going to re-begin my diet process. Yes, I again quote failed at the dieting thing. But I realized i had prepared to start on a monday but then was encouraged just to start the next day. I did not get to say goodbye to my favorite foods and constantly have struggled with wanting to enjoy things I miss. So I let myself go–in a bad way. But you want to know what? It was the happiest I have felt in a LONG time regarding eating. If I can only convince myself how horrible eating bad is and get passed that, I would do better at eating healthy. But its not a lifestyle change, its a food-tasting change. And moderation–I’m sorry its the holidays and I get this urge not to moderate…oh well. So I decided to let today go and try again tomorrow. I don’t have veggies so it puts me at a real disadvantage. But I need to get back to eating food at home so I am going to work on that so I have nothing but my meals left. (still have not broke into the hidden stash in the garage fridge.)
I also had a problem doing any homework tonight. I am usually productive. I have finished the two papers that are due this weekend (Friday/Saturday) but I was frustrated to learn I forgot to write a title page for a paper I needed all the points I could get (just trying to accept is was not my best effort) and that I just lack any energy/motivation to do any readying right now. And it just terrifies me that next week i have finals (which is a term paper due monday luckily on comparing two books, one of which I read before class started and another I have not even looked at along with a research paper luckily we were required to complete for a forum post.). I did listen to the lectures online but all I really want to get into was about Judaism in the 20th century instead of writing about theology of religions from an Evangelical standpoint ( honestly–I hate the categories we use in religion. Evangelical has so many meanings–and personally I care not be with some in one side of the group.)
Lastly, its that emotional time of year. That time when you remember things, get all “thankful” and such. Right now, I’d be happy with food, not obtaining calories and just chilling on Catalina island with my doggies if possible. Oh well, such is life. Some days you feel very much like the fly on the windshield.
P.S.–I know you all are very supportive and encouraging. But comments may be taken wrong or not at all so please keep them to a minimum.
I apologize–be prepared for a little venting… I have begun again the ever-present task of trying to lose weight. Especially since I had my gallbladder removed at 26 I realized I needed to change things. Just to give you a summary of what I have tried… not that anyone wonders about this but just so you understand why I might be quiet about this…here we go:
1)Initially, I just simply watching what I eat. No one told me what was bad or good, i just tried eating salad every once and a while. Tried low calorie of the veggie option. But honestly, if you’re someone with genetic weight problems and enjoys trying new foods, this isn’t a diet, its an excuse.
2) The Trends–I also looked into the trendy diets. Discussed Atkins with someone, talked about South Beach. Occasionally eating on their diet plan but not 100%. Hence, never worked. Moved over these quickly. I know for some people they work but let’s review this–a diet that tells you fruits are bad because their sugar (which is true) is basically saying its all bad, which a nutritionist will even tell you balance (food triangle soft of thing) is truly the best option. Besides, no sugar for me–see section below on low blood sugar…
3) Then, I was watching one day and they mentioned how the Mayo Clinic, after years of study, has created a “the perfect diet.” I laughed, but after listening I decided I would look into the program. It’s a book and a workbook. It was EXTREMELY helpful. I worked on eating better, became more knowledgable about WHAT I was eating and learned that losing weight isn’t just about input/output. However, you have to make a life change–I wasn’t ready for that (meaning I started school and lost my 3-5 hours of exercise time.
4) So in order to accommodate myself, I decided to join Weight Watchers. I lost 40 lbs sticking to the point system. But after a year, I got tired of thinking of things in points. Half the time I couldn’t figure them out and the other half I felt extremely hungry when I have would 2 points left in the day, eaten horrible all week and couldn’t sacrifice it. It was not difficult, I was just burned out. And I did not go to meetings–just like my mom its not the best for me to be going to a group of woman, not nearly as large as me, worried about losing 10-15lbs. I know there are people who need that–but for those of use with real weight problems–trendy support groups are too much “fake” and not enough community.
5) By this point I had worked with Shawn and he located a FREE app (Lose it!) that helps count calories. It’s effective, is a great tool of seeing what exactly you are eating and what you’re not. It was something–but not enough. I fluctuated too much. Then we got engaged and married, and I am a foodie at heart so I don’t give up good food for dieting on my wedding. Sorry–not changing that lifestyle aspect.
In addition to all these, I have not even begun to mention how my friends are trying to be helpful. Honestly, I appreciate everything everyone says. But saying “look, my way works better..” or “try this!!” when I’ve heard this all my life (not kidding, my pediatrician told my mom right in front of me that I was fat and needed to lose weight at 5 was not only insulting, but ill-productive. So even someone who I know cares about my health (like family and friends) doesn’t always help. Thanks though…(and as a joke–I always tell my friends you’re not allowed to complain about your weight, or think that you’re not skinny enough until you’re heavier than me. But I mean it because everyone else weights less than I do and I wish I could tell every friend I have that if you do not feel beautiful, it has NOTHING to do with your weight…)
Anyways, by this point I was going up and down again–absolutely frustrating. I have since had Elixis done (a non-evasive lipo) done and it is helping get rid of sedentary fat but its NOT a weight loss strategy. I also do not agree with the 500 calorie diets that have you eat tons of vitamins. I run into low blood sugar problems frequently so a diet plan like this doesn’t work. Also, I do not qualify for any weight loss surgery–I am just obese enough to be obese but not enough to seriously have a problem. And to be honest, they’ve been running my blood work for almost two years, no mention of diabetes, thyroid problems or anything else less my cholesterol which despite the weight I have managed to LOWER everything except my triglycerides which requires 1 thing–exercise.
Eventually I decided a dietitian was needed. I needed someone to bounce things off. And though she has helped a little let me say–It’s hard to speak to someone who is skinner than your left thigh. And she is not there for moral support really–its a health education, seeing the doctor kind of thing. She is just easier to interact with than my general practitioner who continually tells me the same story–eat less fat and oils.
Ok (breathe) — That’s the back story. No here’s where I am today.
Eating wise: getting there. I figured out with my tracking and reviewing that my vegetable intake is severely under par. I eat probably double the starch & bread than a need too. And of course three times as much if I’m trying to lose. I also realized I do not exercise. Some things are changing. I have tried to stock the fridge with veggies but its hard when you have birthdays and weddings and work parties. (and Honestly, don’t give me the “well you have to control yourself” kind of attitude because I can tell you I have not eaten cookies on a day when sweets abounded. Personally, I felt like I was the fly in the jar while the family was eating dinner. I also noticed I need to eat smaller meals more often. The big waiting game of dinner throws off my metabolism and causes me to feel like I have low blood sugar. I get irritable (ask my husband) and sometimes down right *^$*! so its not a good idea to go hours without eating in my book. Yes, I do have similar symptoms to Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCSD) and this is one of the things they tell you to watch out for…
Activity level wise: I have finally found something close to a workout plan. I do not want to higher a trainer because 1) too expensive and 2) I have discovered I know a lot more than I think I do and really don’t need them less the fact you are paying them for accountability as well. But again, $300 for only some sessions… I can make a bigger commitment than with cash.
We’re just going to see where this goes. My body is adjusting, I don’t feel fat (never have until my largest size–20lbs ago…) and I LOVE FOOD. And not the weight watchers I can eat but really not eat what I want because of stupid points commercial…I mean I would eat until I’m stuffed sometimes. I have done that–just to enjoy a good time. I may decide to post the occasional status report, but I don’t feel like doing that–I’ve already got enough people and doctors monitoring things. So Here we go God! Please help me! (man-if there was a way to take magical scissors and just get rid of the front belly, I’d be set for life…)