One of the things I have found very common for those of us going into the ministry is you are constantly called to explain your call. Not that I am against this — if God puts something on your heart you should share it with everyone. I figured I would detail some items here… not necessarily a thoughtful, well-written but more like, well… (see title of blog.)
So I always state that the first time I knew God was really touching me was at my confirmation. Now, I know that’s very cliche, but its true. My goal in life has always been to be honest to yourself. You should never hid things, back up your feelings, or try to be something you’re not. When I was confirmed I took very seriously the desire to hold onto my baptism as a Christian. And it still hasn’t stopped today. However, when the group gathering around me placed their hands on me, I truly felt God touching me. I really didn’t know what for– I just knew He was there… and I knew that’s where I wanted to be.
Basically my story steams out from there. I was heavily involved in church and loved every minute of it but was persistent I would not stay in church or in music as a career. When I went to college I was going to take 1 religion class as an elective.. HA! when I took my first class I thought “wow, this stuff is amazing… studying God’s word & why people think what they do and what it means and why it matters.” I tried listening to God and hanging onto everything, even building a 24/7 prayer room I would love to live in still. God, again, pushing me, talking to me, and never forgetting what He had in store.
After college was a huge downfall. I had minimal support, ran around a little crazy trying to find a community, and dated people I probably could have been better friends than ex-boyfirends with. Then I met my current boyfriend. He loves me like God loves me– unconditionally and always true. Now grant it he’s not perfect, but this love is exactly what I need and I can thank my boyfriend for stirring me back to my love: God. I remember when my boyfriend asked what I would really want to do and I talked about going back to school, getting a degree in theology or something and do what God wants me to. I just didn’t seem to fit in anywhere else. Tried working for fun themeparks & in coffee shops & for business companies. But they don’t last long. And I refused to settle for working in a 9-5 job. I wanted the all the time love of my life career to be what I wanted… I just didn’t know what that looked like.
Well, with my boyfriend I began attending church regularly at Messiah Lutheran, joined groups and got active. I slowly began to realize that “normal” faith (if you can call it that) was not me. I was not a typical Christian– which is extremely hard for me to say. I love my family at Messiah. But I remember specifically one Sunday I was talking to God like “I really want to do something like seminary or ministry one day” and God, in his infinite wisdom kinda said “Why not?” and I would come up with 1001 excuses. And of course, in His Love… he kept questioning why I didn’t just follow my heart.
Finally I did. I decided to take that jump. Into something I have no idea where its going but I know right now I couldn’t be more excited and happy to learn all these details. And to study/talk/learn about being a disciple of Christ, a minister of the church. This is AWESOME! And as I begin to “settle” (which really isn’t what i’m doing, more like merging into the great stream of wonderfulness that is ministry) ideas and concepts and study just keeps getting better and better. This is why I can honestly say “God has called me to serve Him in His Church, the ELCA church, and to help lead it on its journey forward.” But I know that God couldn’t have pointed me in this direction without the past–without all the good and bad experiences. Even though a small bit of me wishes I had gone straight into seminary–there are many many blessings I would not have if I had done that. And God has used every bit of my past experiences and wonderings to push me into His grace and love for ministry.
So now you know. And honestly– that’s about all I really know too. As I have begun reading more about theology and people’s concepts of faith, theology and all the other stuff, I realize I know very little in the grand scheme of things. I also realize I have no idea where I’m going. I don’t mean I don’t have a plan. Or that I’m not prepared. I just know God’s leading the way and sometimes– where He is leading me I can’t always see.
So it has begun. I just purchased my laptop for school and downloaded the programs my school suggests for my paper writing. School is really around the corner. Not that I’m trying to get ahead but I also started reading some of my books and my brain is already exploding. But that’s ok, its seminary… its expected. I’m so excited to be learning more theology & growing on the things I learned in undergrad. Huzzah!
Today was a really exciting day! My seminary had what they call a Fall “Advance.” It was basically a beginning of the year meeting for new and current students where we can all get to know one another & our professors. It was truly an amazing experience because it was a jump into the sea of seminary (which relates to about 10 million things that were said today about getting thru waves & the seas and…well… it was just… WOW.) I can barely describe or even get my head somewhat around all the experiences and things I am going to learn. I was excited to hear about all the events and communal gatherings that go on. I am truly going to grow and that is what I have really had a deep desire to do.
But don’t think this won’t come with sacrifice or hardship. I gave myself a headache by attending the session on researching books & articles online. Realized that I have about 2-3 programs I definitely want to download onto my new laptop when I get it and realize that my Saturdays will mostly be trekking up to the Library so I can have some real study time. From what I also understand I definitely will need lots and lots of prayer to protect my heart, soul and mind from spiritual warfare. I know i’ve already met some from the most unexpected place and I haven’t even started school yet.
However, i trust God to lead me and as He says, to never forsake me. I was blessed to hear that this morning and for the reminder that God loves us, and that He is preparing me for this journey that I have not only suppressed for so long but cannot wait to jump into.
Yesterday I got to register for my classes at Fuller. That was a huge relief and exciting as ever knowing that I will be studying again. I know, its a little weird saying I’m going to enjoy this but I feel as though I have a deep joy inside me that has just been released. So I registered for Beginning Greek, Systematic Theology and Foundations for Ministry. Pray for me during these studies… cause anyone who has been in school knows everyone needs a little prayer.
What really made yesterday great was that I also received my financial aid reward. Enough to cover classes, books, and possibly some other school-related expenses. This was a great discovery since I had been told I would not receive the awards until Friday/Next Monday. It was also nice to know I would be covered.
I know… I should trust God a little more when he says “Go” but I’m human… and I get very anxious of making sure things are secured before making major changes. In the end, God provided, just as he has in the past. I’m really going to try and get the best grades possible. I know this is a silly goal right now, since i have no idea what grad classes are like, but I want it to be a goal. My undergrad GPA was the highest it has ever been (honest GPA, not elevated like in high school with AP classes) and I want to hang onto that. I also want to (in the futurue God-willing) to pursue a Th.M. For some reason I feel a pull towards this and want to be able not only to lead a congregation but also to have enough knowledge to do a little teaching. This will take time, something I know God has clearly stated I have plenty of, and so I will work at my M.Div until times reveals.
In closing, when I found out yesterday about my classes and financial aid, I sang a song to God…(The Doxology if you want to know)
Exactly what the post says… nothing much going on.
This morning consisted of me trying not to think about the sunburn I acquired at my neice’s soccer game yesterday and of what to eat for breakfast as we have no food in the house.
On a positive note, I had enough money to service my car for 60k miles. That was a blessing because I need to keep my little Matrix (aka Beaker) running.
Today is also rally sunday at church– which equates to food, fun, and a raffle that I will be handing out tickets for 🙂 I figured it was a great way for people to learn who I am and then I get to meet a lot of people as well.
I’m praying God will calm my nerves down considering I am still in this limbo state for school. Classes start on September 27th, I have no idea what my financial aid status is or my admissions status really because my portico states I’m still a “Limited Enrolled Student” when I know I’m program seeking. At least that’s what I think. I sent out follow up emails and I register for classes on Tuesday so I am hoping/praying everything will be worked out by then. But that’s Tuesday, today is Sunday, and frankly… I’m still worried 😛
Well, here i am. I’m writing out another blog of sorts in house to put down my thoughts as they come to me. It’s difficult, because this actually requires me to come to a sigh and think up things to say. But I’m sure ideas will come around.
So in less than two weeks I am praying I will be starting my first grad-school seminary classes in Greek, Systematic Theology and Ministry Foundations. I’m so excited… I almost don’t know what for. I know God is calling me to this aspect of life and study… and I know God is calling me to a life of ministry… but what that looks like I have no idea. Walking by faith again, I guess.
Anyways… I pray that God will help support me in any way He sees fit. God knows I need help 🙂