Don’t worry Muse-loving readers– the frequency of the blog posts may go down but the content is coming. I have a long list of blog ideas to work through and eventually I will get back up to posting when they are complete.
So a couple of posts ago I talked about how excited I was to finally have someone look and see if I’m officially autistic. I was so excited, typed out 2 pages of all things i could remember from my childhood that may be associated with being autistic and tried to prepare for this meeting. I prepared myself mentally and physically and couldn’t fathom the idea that in all this excitement the inevitable happen: We had to reschedule.
Now-don’t get me wrong. Life happens. I get that. And the impression I got from this psych in the one live communication I had with her over the computer was that she was confident in helping people where they needed it. So here I was — need helping–and reality and stereotypes stepped in. Something or someone else decided it wasn’t to happen that day. I also keep mind that she was providing a free service (another reason why I am just getting to venting about this) and that I may be lower on a priority list than others who pay and need more immediate services.
But to me–it was immediate. I had finally found something that would either help self-validate my concerns about myself or at least point me in the right direction. Now–with that meeting less than 2 days away–I am anxious/upset/nervous about trying again to meet up online. What if it happens again? Do I make sure I tell her how I feel? And my emotional well-being is so irregular right now due to LIFE that I 1) want a break and 2) know it cannot happen that way.
Hopefully Friday will come with meeting with this psych and things I really want to talk about will happen.
not sure what day this is. Isn’t that the story nowadays?
But I thought I’d circle back around to my new experience with taking ADHD meds. It has been a learning curve (among a crazy global adjustment time period) but here is what I know so far:
Upside 1. I can focus a LOT longer. Basically when I would get periodically “tired” (which may have been boredom in the ADHD sense, not the typical “I have nothing to do sense.” ), I would I lose concentration. Trust me having to review the file 3-5 times because you get a call or update another “quick” email is frustrating. Transitions in working from home didn’t make it easier.
Downside: My insomnia is more present. Guess what?-that’s a side effect. It’s not that I can’t sleep–its my internal clock doesn’t let me know I’m tired. So when late night comes, I’m still pushing thru. Especially if I start a project late.
Upside 2: I was able to grasp a little of what I was feeling the first week. Meaning I could sense I was feeling an emotion long enough for my brain to catch what that was and figure out if I respond appropriately.
Downside: As of yesterday/today– I have lost more control. I’m not sure if that’s the meds (or lack of consistency) or if its the current world status. I don’t like that its confusing thought. So I managed to find a emotions wheel (just google an image) that is fairly comprehensive and when I think about it I grab the wheel to check in on WHAT I’m feeling.
Upside 3: Well–here’s the thing. I don’t know what I am really looking out for. I’ve never taken medication like this before (one that affects my brain) and I thought I only needed a little help/no medication up until my son was born. Come to find out ADHDers that have better control or their environments that support their neurodivergent selves typically do not need help until adulthood and usually after a major transition.
Downsides: well, not a downside per se, but I am gradually getting the full mental grasp of while medication does help, it does not take away all my symptoms. I still may forget things instantly. I may still have a hyper-focus type moment. I may get bored even! This medicine is supposed to help me, not erase all these problems. And while I know that mentally speaking, other areas in my head may not have caught on.
Also, this blog was written prior to the discussion of my first follow up with the psych. stay tuned for THAT update in the following blogs.
If you feel comfortable, feel free to talk about medication you may take for neurological/mental health. No judgment here at all. Here to end the stigma!And please be courteous and respectful in your comments/replys.
Today is the holiday the US still has not really grasped onto. And while the intention is good, sometimes I wonder if we ignore Earth Day most years because 1) we’re still recovering from Easter, 2) Don’t have the time and 3) think we can either do it later or someone else will do it so I don’t have to.
This year, I hope its going to be different. Here we are, in the middle of a pandemic. We’re all told to stay home and cover our faces. The cars on the road have gone down, the people out and about are dwindling in number and it is super quiet now when I walk my dog late at night. Yet-at the same time mother nature has been given roam to breathe a little. You can see the snow on the mountains from the breach in Southern California. There is no layer of brown cloudiness coming east from downtown LA to our house 40 miles east. Animals are coming out into the streets. And while a little of me thinks its the “springtime” renewal, the other part of me thinks its humanity pressing less on creation.
Also, as a kid, I wanted to all I could to allow nature to grow. I would get internally mentally upset about doing the “wrong” things and not taking care of the Earth. And while i’m not sure if this is related to my autistic self or just my nature, but whenever I felt i was going something wrong, I always wanted to work to fix it. To make it right. In addition to all the thoughts above–I also wanted to share something I thought never would be possible for our family. Due to our old gas guzzler of a car (our Honda Pilot that we have owed for 7 years) needing more work than it was worth–we decided to purchase a replacement vehicle. We wanted to purchase a vehicle that was more gas efficient. Something better for the environment and for our budget. And while the smaller cars were mostly in the market–we ended up purchasing an ELECTRIC KIA SOUL! We didn’t even know that one existed until we were going out shopping for a Ford Fusion hybrid and discovered this car instead.
Now, let me tell you. I did not think I would ever own a black car. But this one I thought was pretty. I got into the vehicle and it was SO QUIET because we had no engine-just a battery powering everything. Oh-by the way -did I mention its ELECTRIC!? yeah, we learned real quick about electric cars and charging ports and APPLE CAR PLAY! (okay okay, i know its an earth day post, but I haven’t talked about it much since and its kinda like helping the earth? right?
So however you celebrate earth day–by planting a tree in your backyard or growing your garden or by replacing a large suv with a more gas efficient car. Respect Mother Earth! And we’ll all make it thru this pandemic together!
Anyone else feel that this date, April 20th, needs a little help? Something new? Something more exciting and fun and loving? First things-if you’re born on this day, Shout it Out! Let’s see all the amazing other birthdays. And FYI this may be my autistic mind having sensitivities to random things like dates/smells/details that no one else thinks about. So if you truly love this date-don’t take this personally-its like me not liking the color Brown. Just a personal preference.
I know–you’re probably wondering what in the world I’m talking about. Being autistic, any topic is fair game in my mind for discussion–and unless it involves upsetting personal experiences or personal relationship (like family-i’m a Hufflepuff loyal and true)–I’m pretty non judgmental about the discussion. So back to today, you see, today has MANY bad associations with it. It is Hilter’s birthday. It is the day of the Columbine High School shootings, one of the first mass shootings in America. There are several sites (including onthisday.com ) where one can see a lot of the negative things that happen. Finally the association this date has with smoking weed (whatever your opinion on it) gives people either an excuse to excess (not always a good idea) or a level of disrespect towards something we should be working to be accept and better monitor. (see history of term in this interesting article .)
So let’s decide TODAY that April 20th is not longer going o be this negative date in the midst of springs bloom. Or in the midst of a worldwide pandemic that only makes it worse.