Theological ThinkTank

Sending Toxic to the Trash

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I want to preface this blog up front. There are sensitive and personal topics in this message. They affect me deeply and emotionally and the fact that I am writing them down somewhere is actually a HUGE step in the emotional and mental “recovery” I need from practically having a breakdown a few weeks ago. I am good… don’t worry. But I don’t want it to get that bad again. So I’m heading off stuff at the pass and working on something that was encouraged by my 28 challenge in my MOPS group.

So here is goes:

Today, the dare was to three things the toxic voices in your head are saying. Then we’re suppose to write back to those voice, tell them why they are no longer true and write more about who you are really—having the last word. I know I needed to do this because it is these toxic voices that came up when I get depressed or disheartened and they help me spiral down emotionally. I don’t want that anymore. It sucks and when I talk about a spiral–I mean a literal mental spiral of thoughts that I can almost see forming in my head and I mentally have to stand my grand and shove back. No Longer I say–no longer.

1) I am not enough.

This is probably the root of all my emotional/mental strain. That I feel I am not enough. That I’m not enough of a mother, a wife, pet owner, a friend, a person. I’m not smart enough, I’m not healthy enough, I’m not organized enough. you name it. When something goes crazy wrong, I feel that I have left someone down by not doing enough to stop what happened.

Well “not enough”—guess what!? I am MORE than enough. I am a good mother-I care for my child, feed him, cuddle him and play with him. I put him first before anything because I know that I matter more than the world to this little human.  I am MORE than enough of a wife. I cook, I clean, I try to keep it together and support my husband when he is having a bad day or struggling with a work issue. I am MORE than a good pet parent–my dogs and rabbit get love, get food and sometimes I even let them have those whip cream spoons or run around wild for a movement. And I take them to the vet when they need help to make sure they are themselves, as healthy as they can be.

I am MORE than enough of a friend. I will always be there for them and no matter what–there’s always a spare place to sleep at our house (just call ;-)) and I always try to offer food if anyone is hungry.

and finally–I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH OF A PERSON. In my faith, I believe God sees me as having value. As being important and cared for as who I am. I wouldn’t be created nothing less. Now– I don’t use this to place me in a position authority or discrimination. But as someone who needs reassurance and to upstart my confidence.

2) You’re At Fault/ You need to Fix this.

Everyone close to me know that I have a tendency to take things personally. To the point of getting upset over the little things because I take on too much. This happened two weeks ago. When something goes wrong—it is in my nature to want to fix it to make it right. Don’t like a certain food?- I’ll make a special dish. Don’t like green?- I’ll purposely wear your favorite color. Don’t like me?- I’ll change so you do. I want people to feel loved and happy despite my own self-identity at times.

Well- that is definitely NOT my fault. While encouraging others to build themselves is good, sacrificing self identity is not acceptable. I realistically know that I cannot please everyone. And that not everyone is going to like me at all times. Life still moves and I know who to turn to if I need to feel more positively about myself. I will not cut out negative nellies because this world can and does suck sometimes. But I don’t need to try and digest the world. Especially at that moment. I just need to learn to digest constructive criticism without major consequence.

3) I am not alone:

This isn’t as much of a voice as much as it is my actions. I wonder if it comes sometimes from the fact I was a child of a double uterus of my mother (look it up-basically it’s two pouches for babies instead of one.) or just because at a young age I was forced to grow up but I operate very independently. Both in activity and taking on caring and action. While this can be a positive—it can come untangled quickly.

I know spiritually I am not alone. God is with me. always. And here I know Shawn is with me and Austin Needs me! and that I have friends and Co-workers and even completely strangers at times who stand beside me. So this alone crap is nonsense! I’m inserting this picture from the cruise because here is our family in a huge crowded environment and the servers ended being the best!—even entertaining Austin so I could eat! Supporting each other is key and therefor I am not alone

I enclosed the other photos as well because I feel they are moments recently where I was feeling my best. That silent moment where you realize life is good, that you are loved and that it’s great to giggle once and a while. YAY ME!


A little Keto Krazy?

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I know I have used this blog a lot to vent about my ups and downs in the dieting world. And thankful for it—it has given me an outlet to express how things are going with it all.

So recently on doctors orders I went gluten free. I love it honestly…for the first time in several months I had breaded shrimp and I swear I felt like a ton of bricks. So glad I’m not king back.

I also was told to go sugar free and I am trying very hard to do this but sometimes the craving takes over.

So as a result of my stalling Health numbers and weight…my doctor gave me the duty of going on a ketogenic diet. What does that mean? Well-it means 70-80% day, 15-20% protein and 5-10% carbs in my daily intake of food. There are more detailed explanations elsewhere, but in reading a lot about it I am confident this is my new happy health lifestyle. Not only is it about getting sugar out but helping my body actually burn fat not carbs/sugar turned into fat. I’ve already lost 40lbs…let’s lose some more.

So my Keto Diet is coming into full swing November 1st. At that point I want to be 100% eating this diet and I can’t wait. I’m doing a lot of reading, already purchased some ingredients to help me plan meals and saying goodbye to all that crud I eat that I’m sure is killing my body.

Why November 1st? Why not I say!

This is not a diet you can just start. There are guidelines, understanding of calorie intake and a lot of knowledge to st least glimpse before starting. Here are just a few:

1) you monitor your ketones daily.

When I was gestational diabetic, I had to measure my ketones because I was full blown insulting resistent. And when I mean full blown, I mean the last month of pregnancy I was taking 2-3x the average shot just to try and get my insulin levels to lower in the morning. From these little strips and measuring. Sugar I could tell a) I should never eat French fries and b) why a glass of milk before bed is not a great idea (milk has sugar people.)

2) have things prepared:

Don’t worry—I’m excited since Shawn and I need to work better at this anyways. I have found a few good books (like the one below) that have helpful ideas and luckily I live walking distance to a Sprouts which labels almost everything in the store for something like this.

I am also lucky in that I will take on any cooking challenge to learn how to make new things. I bought a ton of supplement ingredients the other night I had no idea what I was buying… it knew I wanted to try some crazy recipe to enjoy variety.

3) knowledge:

Knowing which foods to eat on any strict diet can be intimidating. I’m just trying to practice right now and I realize I eat tons of carbs still. Crackers (yes gluten free), rice, French fries. Many times I seriously just want the meat and cheese on a plate. I can’t eat practically anywhere as they use flour, grains, or carb laden options. My salmon tacos were amazing today but the chips and beans were bad sides packing on carbs.

Food looks complete different to me now. And probably will forever more. Good news: bacon and butter are fully approved!

So please work with me and don’t be offended when I say I can’t eat something. When I ignore fake and ice cream and even the corn tortillas. (I may need a taco occasionally.) here we go!!!!

Welcome 2017

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Look! I’m still here! 😀 Sorry to have disappeared …

The end of 2016 was a crazy tumble. Not only was I trying to adjust to being a mom, but also a working mom along with trying to have a life beyond the four walls of my living room and TV. I’m gradually catching up, but sometimes this kiddo is too cute and i’m too tired momma-and-austin

So just the same as every year- new year, new diet. But having been through a pregnancy – so my body has several changes. Therefore I am working on trying something new, getting some REAL help and taking things slow. Just to put them down some where– here some things I am working on changing this year:

  1. New OBGYN– yes, while I enjoy the medical center for women in Fullerton… I want a doctor who can actually address my PCOS issues. And sorry modern medicine-but you suck in this realm. I received a referral from a friend at work going through similar problems and I am greatly appreciative but will be driving about an hour away to meet with a new doctor who I have high hopes for to actually help me address my real problems instead of masking them with meds.
  2. I am also starting a new type of diet. Its more transitional with some strict guidelines. Starting in January (now) I have started a diet that gradually takes one bad thing out and one good thing in. This month—its giving up soda (all of it, but at minimum the high sugary stuff) and adding in one veggie into my meals per day. Next month it will be giving up french fries (in addition to the soda) and adding one more veggie.  March 1st (ash Wednesday) will be when I start my strict diet plan. I think I may go paleo or at least work out my Belly Fat Cure Diet. Who knows–i’m talking to my new doctor when i meet with her at the end of the month and hope to have a resolution by Lent.
  3. Looking into mass cleaning of the house. I want to start in one corner and cross the house gradually. This is VERY difficult–due to Austin 🙂
  4. Austin is just starting to explore foods. Nuff said 😉
  5. FInally I want to work in a workout schedule of some sort. It’s hard to figure this out since I am gone at work most of the day.


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Over my life—I have experience with losing. I played on last place softball teams for years and was the daughter of a strict substitute teacher who taught my own classes. I also have already lost both my parents (before the age of 30) and have felt the agony of rejection of the popular crowd.
As I write this blog on November 9th—I want to reflect on things I Have learned in losing over the years. While this probably advertises my vote (which I am not ashamed of) …it’s still valuable for any side of the political fence.

1) Losing Sucks: yes—admit it. Cry about it, mourn, have a moment of silence. It is painful to be let down especially when you are from a higher place. But that’s okay. You need to feel it. Keeping it bundled inside only allows for it to boil inside you until you explode with anger or overreact with a lack of safety. For us today as a nation—many are scared for their lives because they lost. It’s okay to feel that … for ahead comes the unknown and the fact that you have to support someone or something you don’t agree with. Or you don’t support it and have to work on fighting it. But always remember to take the time for yourself to digest what is going on emotionally, physically, psychologically, spiritual, etc. but how you react is what you teach others.

2) Keeping doing what you feel is right: I know this sounds ridiculous when you have been defeated but it is good and justice and right that withstand the test of time. My mom used to say if I do the right thing eventually I would be rewarded. I had my bike stolen from my supposed “friend” in the neighborhood and I was let down by a coach in softball for not showing up to the All-Star voting and therefore losing my spot on a team I should have been on. But eventually I got my bike back and made the All Star Softball team my last year I played in rec league. The right will come out or the negative will at least be forgotten or made unimportant. I think this is very applicable with this election because while change is scary—we need hope that our country and its governing process will recover (and hopefully see positive reform for the people without all of us killing each other first.)

And if you need to look at a cute baby or puppy pictures for an hour to feel good again, that’s okay too

3) Try to support the winning side “goodies.”: Many times in softball, a game is lost simply because someone played better. Even with “dirty” methods. But nevertheless, they won. And it is your job even as a loser to cross that field, shake hands and say “good game.” It’s good sportsmanship. And many times the team did a lot of good things. This is also true for all losing. I was bullied as a kid—as in threatened with a knife while walking home from school because I was “fat” and because my mom was too strict. But this kid had a dying parent and struggled as we got older. I always made sure I checked in with his family. I also was contacted as an adult by that kid who stole my bike as a child on facebook. He apologized for all the “stupid” things he did and we remained cordial friends. I was also friends with some of my ex-boyfriends because we were able to be adult about our situations after properly mourning our loss and move on. It doesn’t work for everyone and I understand sometimes this is very hard and takes time to find positives from bad situations. It is not to be entered lightly either. I don’t expect to see people running out to support others who represented things they were opposed to. But it is still a good thing to do. Looking for good in others brings you to common ground. 

UPDATE: As I read this post about a week later…I feel again glad something bigger is speaking through me. I have seen some horrible things this week from across the country in addition to trying to keep my eyes and ears open for what is really going to happen.

Don’t Give Up on God, part 2

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So how do we deal with God and bad stuff?

Well– I do not believe God is at fault for evil. Well, maybe in the fact that He created things and His creation is doing evil but I do not directly believe He is responsible. I do believe creation was almost “let loose” and as a result God took a risk and evil came about. At first. And as humans grew and continued evil just kept going.

So let’s look at an example…

My dad died when I was 14. I could have easily blamed God. Or I could look at the fact that my dad has medical problems and sometimes our human bodies give out. Is it God’s fault? no. Is it his fault that He didn’t save him? No. While God has saving power–I love thinking God let’s us experience life instead of saving our butts like a helicopter parent. We’re not babies…So instead of sulking around about my dad being gone I try to take my experience and share knowledge where I can.  What about those killed innocently or abruptly? I still don’t blame God. Blame is not at the source of everything that is wrong. Sometimes things just happen. I have several friends who have miscarried or lost their children. In no good faith would I ever say that someone was to blame. And sadly–those babies died. It sucks. Honestly I would rather speak truth in a moment of sadness than point fingers. And help my friends move through their sadness with better life.

I also want to talk about prayers. A lot of people ask for prayers from God when those they love are sick or dying. And when those people die a lot of people say God didn’t listen to their prayers. It’s where blaming God stems from. Realistically speaking–if you’re going to a friend to speak to them about a problem you have-you’re not going to them to validate what you already think. That’s not real help…that’s just a stamp of approval. I would like to think God is more than that.  You’re going to a friend so they can listen and help where they know best. That’s how I feel God listens to prayers. So sometimes He helps and sometimes He listens. And maybe he uses that moment as a teaching moment (cause he’s a Teacher) or maybe he uses its as a miraculous moment.  Or maybe God just sits there and says “I know-its sucks-and I’m here.” My mom survived stage 4 cancer for 15 years. Was this an answer to my prayer?-I’m not sure. On some platform yes because she outlived my college graduation when she was worried about living past my jr high graduation.  But I wouldn’t have wanted my mom to have to suffer the way she did.  That was not easy and she ended up dying before I got married or had kids. Trust me–i can’t get through some music when i’m looking at my son and thinking of my parents. But than again I felt blessed for every day I had with her instead of being frustrated that her health suffered and I lost my dad.


I always tell people that if the image of God is not something you like–then change your image of God. I know for some that means he disappears complete or that he multiples–but for me it means God does not have to fit into one church’s specific image or concept of Him. As I said–my belief in God includes science, includes bad things happening to good people and includes generosity and love for others–logically as I can see it and with heart and feeling. It also allows for others to have their own beliefs and supports that humans have their own brains.

Don’t Give up on God, pt 1

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Now that I have a new kiddo in my life–I have begun to think seriously about my thoughts, beliefs and actions and how I want to introduce those to my child.  Grant it I have always been interested in what people believe in–it just matters to me now what I’m going to do with that information. So almost as a conversion story (because I really don’t have one from growing up in the church), I thought I would lay down some of my thoughts about God.

First– I have a strong belief in a higher deity. It is next to impossible for me to conceptualize there being no God. I don’t say that to put down my atheist friends… but to emphasize where my thoughts come from. The structure and order of the universe makes it easier for me to see something or some one in charge.  I admit others see it as scientific order but I personally accept that science can exist within the belief of God.  It is also easy for me to conceptualize that someone or someThing has got it all together and I don’t because most of the time–I don’t have it together. Physically, emotionally, psychologically, you name it.  So that not only covers a Supreme Being but also my belief covers original sin or the idea that we’re sinful beings. It doesn’t mean we’re not good-it just means we have the ability to be not good on a fairly regular basis. Personally I think humanity is bad to each other because we’re lazy. It’s harder to think of others. Anyways.. these beliefs put me into the monotheistic judeo-christian bubble without defining anything about Jesus.  

Second– I have a strong sense of God being a Creator… I mean in the deepest sense of the word. He has authority over creation–ALL of it. Even the sun, the moon, the stars. I believe evolution can exist with God. Why not? God could create evolution, couldn’t he? I mean, humans found it and since humans don’t have their shit together half the time its not impossible for God to create it, right? God could create it and destroy it (just like humans do…) I also believe God is all powerful, all knowing, omnipotent… and that’s hard to grasp one’s mind around. In fact, its impossible because humanity’s minds only reach so far. 10% supposedly 🙂 So the whole idea of imagining us using more of our brain is not only scientifically fascinating but could also point to God.  Believing in God as Creator also indicates that I believe God is over evil.  God could create evil based on my thoughts. (My friend who was messianic explained this concept is not hard for the Jewish faith but for some reason is extremely hard for Christians.) However I do not believe He does.  Just because He has the ability doesn’t mean he exercises that power. God has to limit Himself if He is Creator and over all creation.  Since I try following the Bible–I also believe God can do harmful things (battles, killing people, etc.)  But God is also Good and Loving. And my Christian beliefs hold strong to that.

So next thought–can God change? No, I do not believe God in his character has changed. But can He have a multitude of methods as his disposal?-Yep, sure, definitely. And can I not understand his full character?-yep right again. Again I point to if humans can do these and God created them, then He has to be able to do these things and have authority over it. But it still doesn’t mean we’ve seen all of God’s character.  It just means he has the ability to. I believe that God is good–why? Well, again that’s where I get into my Christian faith. For the craziness I believe that God sent a man to die and rise again so all could be saved. Hallelujah! Heaven knows I’m screwed up and now you’re telling me God did something for me without me having to do anything so I can be closer to Him, my Creator? Awesome! Rock!–Let’s do it.

A lot of Christians have minimized their view of God. They make him out to be a big guy in the sky or someone who makes everyone but perfect people go to Hell. I do not claim either of these things. Unfortunately (despite my love for monty python), I do not believe God looks like an old dude running things from up above. In fact, I don’t believe Heaven is above or Hell is below. They are places and not here and that’s all I’ve got. Why do people assume their above or below.  That’s a medieval concept by Dante by the way.  Biblically speaking–heaven is where God is all the time and Hell is where He is not. Plain and simple. Location?–not as important.

Now here’s the hard part–God can be a Judge. He created everything so he has authority over it. So in my mind I believe he can say what’s right and wrong about it. Like the inventor of a machine or writer of a book. Let me heavily stress that because he is a Judge– that DOES NOT make me someone who knows that judgment or how to dispense it. According to the Bible (and basic common sense), I should be nice to people…I’m called to love them. (yeah, John 3:16… ugh I hate using cliche bible verses to explain things.) I know what’s right and wrong not solely because God told me but maybe because He created me in his image as good and I have an internal sense of good and and not good.  Adam and Eve knew only good until they chose not good. So humanity can choose good naturally.  Please do not think dualistic here. I can’t stand when we make either/or conversations out of both/and/all/in/around topics. Again the medieval/renaissance concept of the justice scales as the sole explanation of the world and how we live in it is not the original Jewish concept of God & the world, let alone addresses the entirety of the world.  Balance, peace and equality are not always two sided.

So I hope I gave you some new thoughts on God. I find so much hope in my faith. I also do not let the negative people in my faith or the close-minded ones dictate my beliefs. I hope others can learn to be open-minded as I am trying to be 😀


Politics Puzzled

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As the election gradually approaches, I thought it may be appropriate to post about some politics. Typically I am not super involved in discussions online about this topic. However, this year, it appears to be a much more important issue.


Politics has never excited me–mostly because I refuse to play the political games most politicians play.  Personally– I believe parties are a waste of time and categories.  I would like to just vote for one person for president, one person for VP and so on. Like when you were in grade school. Everyone campaigned individually and whoever got the most votes won for each position. Grant it sometimes it was a popularity contest–but some times people got voted in because the majority thought they could seriously do a good job. Yes-it would be long process. Maybe November/Voting would be taken more seriously. Yes-it might mean that people of different backgrounds & ideals would have to work together. But I get sick and tired of the junk thrown around on TV & online confusing me and trying to get me to choose who to elect. Our government needs to work together to strength our country and build relationships domestically AND foreign while striving to provide and protect us. (there are political positions I take against several topics related to these statements but I will leave that out of the conversation for now.)

Also– I want to vote for honest people. I don’t even know if that exists anymore. IT sucks–because I literally stare at the ballot dazed, saddened and utterly confused. I feel like the people who would do a good job in government offices either can get through the red tape or can’t finance it themselves because of the current affairs of politics. Watch any political movie or TV show like West Wing, The American President or even Designated Survivor. This show displays very well what happens when the “political game” or club of Washington DC is wiped out (dramatically of course) and a simple honest man who just wanted to help people gets thrown into the Lions Den (per se.) It’s almost reality TV. Seriously. I vote because 1) I want a say and 2) it matters. I don’t want to vote because 1) I hate the choices and 2) I hate the process.

So unfortunately it is these two opinions I have about politics that make 2016 a VERY hard year for me. I thought I knew who I wanted and what I supported. But everything has been turned sideways each time I turn on the TV. I refuse to vote for someone because I was told to vote for them (huge supporter of making a good decision when voting…) and I just can’t keep up with the junk that is appearing about the candidates. IT’s harder seeing friends choose to support certain people or propositions knowing they are probably just choosing the lesser of the two evils. South Park nailed it–again. Good luck America–we’re going to need it this election year.