Au-Some Afterthoughts 2020

Autistic and Holy Good Friday 2020

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Today is Good Friday. We are at the “high-low” of Easter Holy Week. The week that sorta feels a lot like this COVID-19 quarantining this year. Up and down emotions, confusion, darkness and solitutde. So I thought after a major discussion happened on my facebook post about my child coloring my bible (romans 8 to be exact-one of my undergrad professors would be proud), I thought I would look into what “holy” translates to someone who is autistic.

First–let’s look at holy in the Bible itself. The word “holy” is used all throughout the Bible and is comes from the root word meaning “dedicated” or separated ( Click here to see Strong’s connections) In Genesis, humans are, from the beginning, holy, for we are definitely separated from the rest of creation (humans get two creation stories — that’s a whole other toipc–and created in God’s own image (actually–holy means to come from God.) Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and the entire tribes of Israel are considered holy for they are separated from the rest of humanity to be the image and reflection of God. Holiness and holy action is discussed throughout Exodus as Israel leaves Egypt and wanders the desert. David is a holy king, appointed by God to be different, to be sacred, to be set apart. By the time Jesus comes, we are all called to be holy. Even in Romans (chapter 12) Paul calls Christians to be holy sacrifices. Yeah, we could spend hours upon hours studying what this term looks like in the Bible-but I also have ADHD. So I’m moving on.

So what does this mean for an autistic? And what does this have to do with my son coloring in my Bible?

First-if we, as holy already in the eyes of God, are called to act holy, then autistics are already holy in their nature. They are already set apart. Now-I am NOT saying that others are not. But autistic people typically struggle with being different then others. Being pushed aside, set apart and not for positive reasons. Actually- Neurodivergent in its nature meanings being differently wired. And as an autistic, my different-ness is actually something I can related to in being “set apart for God.” That’s a blessing truly. It’s comforting to know I can related to being different because, well, I already am. Since I was a child (and maybe I have my parents to thank for taking me to church for many years), I never thought me being different as a bad thing.

More like the orange sprinkle in a bag of mixed colors. And I was just being myself (my true self) and that was the only thing that mattered. I pushed what may have been misunderstanding and confusion into “well, I am just going to be me.” I still tried doing the right thing. I truly took to heart “what if God knew this”… which terrified me some times but it was never pushed in our house or church really… and I work hard to still have a relationship with God to make sure I am reflecting what “holy” looks like thru autistic female adult mothering eyes/actions.

Second-being holy does NOT have to deal with communication or socialization. It can be a physical sense of being set apart (wow- social distancing can be holiness in a way!) or it can be a mental separation-for some actions are revealed differently only thru your intentions. So, if I don’t know how to communicate. Or figure out how someone does something– its okay. That’s what not makes me holy. Actually, biblically speaking, its your relationship with God (which can be reflected in how you interact with other people–but not by their judgment, by God’s alone) that does more to reflect your holiness. If you reflect God, then you try to act like God and the judgement of you, your actions and your heart are left up to God. So-my son-who I know is 1) already holy in his human nature and 2) a child innocent of doing things intentionally so his mental actions are not yet fully formed and 3) does not know how to read/write/communicate that well –MAY consider coloring in my bible with pink crayons that I gave him as a gift of holiness and definitely is a gift of a adorable memory he will give me for years. It will help me to remember how one Sunday morning, due to quarantine rules and worshiping from home, my child interacted with me in service in the only way he knows how–by coloring in Romans 8.

Of Course-Being Good Friday-don’t forget that holiness does have hope in it. If we, as Christians, are called to be holy, then we are called to be the reflection of the Holy Spirit-a gift that was given by the One God who defines holiness. I know it is dark and bleak. But I hope that the holiness we reflect and we see around the world will win out the day. I know it did thousands of years ago. And I truly believe it will now.

So go be Holy. It’s easier anyways. And await the excitement that is coming Sunday!

Autistic Admiration for Animals

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my dogs April and Scout in our old house at Christmas Time

Continuing my constant blogging on discovering my Au-some nature, I wanted to explore the exciting that autistics (and adhders too) appear to have a greater and deeper connection with animals. Especially since I saw my son really take to an online game within seconds of where you can care and feed an animal. He’s 3, has been very involved in caring for our pets (dogs and rabbits), and here he is having a virtual one (actually two–he won enough “tickets” to adopt a black little chick along with his grey kitten) of his own. Also, he has tried to learn communicating like our dog, which has been both amazing and adorable.

My love of animals started when I was little. I wish I could explain but I feel because I had a dog, I was connected to dogs as my family from day one. Or at least from my earliest memory. I have several pictures of our family dog “Lucky” (the black lab with the white spot) and me playing (or hiding from the mischeif we got into) and actually a few photos of me trying to interact with neighbors’ dogs. As I grew older, neighbors and friends asked me to pet sit for them, including watching little and big dogs, cats (i hate liter boxes with a passion) and even hamsters and birds. In high school, I adopted a large white rabbit from a neighbor because I wanted a pet and before I graduated, I managed to give him to a preschool to keep as a pet of their own. When I graduated college in 2005– I made it my sole goal (kinda probably a hyper focus really) to adopt a dog from the local shelter. My first dog, April, was the one I put down in February… living to be 14.5 years old. I also have adopted hamsters, another rabbit, rats (I adore rats) and another dog Scout (my kiddo’s best friend really.)

Having begun my interactions with autistic adults online, I have discovered I am not alone in my love for animals. I am part of a group where someone’s own beliefs follow the trail and path of wolves. I know SEVERAL autistic who love cats (don’t get me wrong, i probably act like a cat more than a dog but i just LOVE dogs.) Agony Autie (autism advocate) just adopted two rats and has worked up a whole beautiful caring system for them including different environments and places to learn to feel safe and cared for (did i mention i love rats!?). It’s beautiful. While I haven’t read anything by her, one of the more famous autistics ia Temple Grandin, who has several books on the deep connections humans and animals can form ( she works with horses and dogs specifically I believe.)

I wonder if if having a different type of brain allows for this inner connection with animals. As autistics, we are typically more aware of the nuances , the little things. So we notice when pets are off balance, when they are communicating something atypical of humans. And considering several of us love animals and can hyper focus on learning things about them, especially if we desire to care for them as our own, we take this on very seriously.

If you’re autistic, what animals do you love? Do you have pets? If you’re non-autistic, have you seen this too? Tell me in the comments!

Neurodivergent Worries

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I was originally going to postpone this post due to COVID-19 and the triggers anxiety discussions cause. But we only end the stigma by talking about it. Openly. And we all need support during these twilight zone times

As an autistic ADHD adult-my life is filled with fighting the ever-present feeling of anxiety. Whether it be fear from being left alone (yeah COVID-19 did NOT help) to general fear of my child running towards things or jumping off furniture. I constantly worry about what people think and how to deal with their reactions. It can keep me non-verbal some days. Or other days I struggle through pushing back the anxiety of living life.

The reason I wanted to talk about this is because Society doesn’t want to. We tell people to “get over it” or push it down. To ignore it and it will eventually go away. But true anxiety (versus basic nervousness) can be debilitating, brain blocking and some times what pushes an Autistic or ADHD person into shutdown mode. Its not worth it to push it away. Even more so with a global pandemic, we need to see anxiety, acknowledge it and even learn to use it in a positive way (someone mentioned this ins. Group chat today-i thought it both confusing and significant at the same time—typical of a mused afterthought.)

So here are windows into what goes thru my mind and what having anxiety looks like. The first window is my thought process. When I get to this anxious circle, the first thing I know is that I need help. My negative thoughts (I’ll leave details out for protection) typically give off this feeling of circling and circling and I cannot get out of the spiral it is spinning in my head. Typically I will slightly cry, freeze for a moment. Definitely do not ask me a question or ask me to remember things. The image below is pretty accurate to what it feels

The second window is the actual panic attack. For a while-I thought I had never had panic attacks. (yes-you can have anxiety and not have panic attacks.) But two specific attacks stick in my mind and they are very different. The first: I had an attack when attempting to drive a go-kart. And not just a simple go kart but one of the K1 racing places. I was already nervous doing something I didn’t want to. Add on i was not given proper time to digest how everything works and functions. So my brain went into pure shutdown mode and my nerves went into hyperdrive. Result: true panic attack.

The second event was a dentist appointment. Again, it was something I didn’t want to do and no explanation or time was given for me to digest how everything was going to work. the result was that I had to reschedule the procedure. What made this matter worse is the dentist didn’t do anything to help with my anxiety, just worked thru my procedure and i woke up from the surgery in a panic attack. Again-this is why society needs to talk about it. I refuse to go back to that dentist but it has now put me in a very scared situations even to go to a dentist.

So please feel free to talk about anxiety and how it affects your life. Please be kind in the comments. Also-not a doctor here-if you need help, call someone. I see a therapist-a great tool. I also must self-stimulate or regulate my feelings—another tool. You definitely need tools to help thru something like this.

Problems with Meds

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So until recently, I was really good At taking my meds. I woke up, did my morning routine and at the end of my routine was getting my meds. I kept them in a high in a cardboard so my kid was nowhere near them. It worked. Routine. Steady.

Then the weekend hit. I don’t have a routine for my weekends. I wake up when I awake, I go to sleep when I’m tired. So when my psychiatrist told me i have to take my Addarell, she told me that I needed to take my medicine early in the day so that I would experience more insomnia. And of course, in typical Sara fashion, I ignored her on the weekend doses because I thought it wouldn’t make much difference. Until I was up on sunday night until 3am wondering maybe taking that medicine late was not such a good idea.

The problem is some days, I need to sleep late. To enjoy that feeling of not setting an alarm. Other days (mostly work) are the days I need to be up by a certain time to work or meet a deadline. I haven’t decided yet– but the idea of waking up and taking a medicine only to maybe (not likely considering the medicine) go back to sleep just seems…so… annoying.

So far, that is the only puzzle I am trying to work out so that I can take medicine and function without staying up too late or not being able to focus so often. Anyone got any insights/other things I should keep an eye out? I know its hard with COVID-19 issues–something already rising my anxiety–but starting a new drug and monitoring it is also important too.

UPDATE: when all else fails, ask the doctor. I actually sent a message and it was made clear to me that I can go on and off this medication if need be. Thats helpful but also frustrating because while today i didn’t want to be on the meds, I took my dose around 8:30-9am resulting in it now being 1:30am and Im still awake. Because my brain is still working. Im still working on a balance. Its only a few weeks since i started this drug (3/6/20) and so much has happened since then.

April: Autism ACCEPTANCE Month.

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While my last post was about the difficulties of this month now here; this post will mostly be resources and people you can look into to really help the autistic (and especially adult) autistic community.

I will say the first thing i would do is read Nuerotribes by Steve Silberman. I wrote about the book last year in my readings records. It has already places to start. Then i would look at direct people:

People : here is a list of several poeple I follow on multiple school networks. Neurodivergent rebel, agony autie, save the neurotypicals, Aspie world, everyday Aspergers, odd girl out, Neurodivergent people, yo samdy sam, Jamie (on break right now but has several videos), spectrumy, neurodivergent teacher, Aut-ish, the neurodiverse women, Greta Thunberg, “i Am autistic”, Autistic grandma and others. This is definiteliy NOT a comprehensive list and if you are an autistic advocate and would like to comment for adding your name, please do so. (some of these are twitters/youtubers/facebook)

Sites: these are so many sites to look into. I also recommend joining patreon, ko-fi and thru those the countless discord channels where discussions around these blogs happen with others in this community and some people make a living doing advocacy and artwork. It is also good to follow Neuroclastic on WordPress too who has several articles by mostly autistic people. Here is their main site:

Honestly, this video by Yo Samdy Sam pretty much explains the whole movement and my generic opinion on it. And sam’s excellent at explaining things :

I also asked for some assistance from a friend for some of her recommendations (who has been doing the advocating for a little bit longer than me… Thanks to N—! I have some links to people above


Lastly, I would not seek out Autism $peaks or think blue (boo boo!). They not only have a history of discriminating against autistics (originally thought of as only a male disorder) but do not actually support the community. Kinda like the goodwill, they are in it for profit and that autism is a disease that needs curing. Otherwise, I would help educate those companies and communities who only see autism speaks and recommend people from this list. Perfect example?—I reached to Pieology corporate last year about them working with A$ and as a result i received a written email from a marketing manager how they will look into using more local groups for the 2020 fundraising. Now, i have no idea if that will hold up due to COVId-19, but I feel better 1) saying my 2cents and 2) that it may have made a difference. All it takes is people speaking. Being Autistic is a different brain processing, not an illness.