I’m going to admit something that people may know but don’t see a lot about me. It’s something I struggle with every time we go on vacation, when we moved and even when my schedule gets altered a little.
Yep. Transitions. I struggle with change all the time. I used to think i was good at handling things but i gradually realized its only the severe difficult thing I can process because I have the ability to separate myself from reality for a little bit. For example– when my mom died, I was able to come home, enjoy a meal she liked and go to Disneyland to let loose. But with everyday change and transitions, I struggle. A lot. I need a therapist for it. Let me rewind to our last major vacation. We were leaving the Disney Cruise Ship, a friend was picking us up and while Austin was crying (new car, leaving mickey behind, etc-he has my transition issues for sure) half way back home, I started bawling in the car. I couldn’t figure out why. I wasn’t hypervenilating or had a raised heartbeat. But I couldn’t stop crying. My body felt as if it was leaving something behind. Something I felt safe in. And it was like getting shocked in cold water. The crying was an uncontrollable reaction. Even though I managed to be strong for a movement to get Austin in his carseat–my spoons were already gone. (google spoon theory and autism.)
Difficulty with transitions is common among those who are autistic. Change affects our perception of our world and our brains and our bodies cannot intake the sensory movement between one item and another. And because our social and communication sensors are overwhelmed or even off– we resort to stimming or eventual breakdown/meltdown and burnout. What happened after I returned home? — I had to go hide, self-care, be left alone and actually snuggle with something soft. I always need a day after a vacation. Not to just get back into the normal schedule–but to make sure I’m in a safe place to digest the change.
So be kind to those of us still trying to gradually work through our transitions. This world seems like its in a constant state of flux and routine is more comforting than chaotic movement. Allow us to be free, to feel, allow us time and space. We will come back . In our own time and way. And we will value and respect what we are given.