Sending Toxic to the Trash

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I want to preface this blog up front. There are sensitive and personal topics in this message. They affect me deeply and emotionally and the fact that I am writing them down somewhere is actually a HUGE step in the emotional and mental “recovery” I need from practically having a breakdown a few weeks ago. I am good… don’t worry. But I don’t want it to get that bad again. So I’m heading off stuff at the pass and working on something that was encouraged by my 28 challenge in my MOPS group.

So here is goes:

Today, the dare was to three things the toxic voices in your head are saying. Then we’re suppose to write back to those voice, tell them why they are no longer true and write more about who you are really—having the last word. I know I needed to do this because it is these toxic voices that came up when I get depressed or disheartened and they help me spiral down emotionally. I don’t want that anymore. It sucks and when I talk about a spiral–I mean a literal mental spiral of thoughts that I can almost see forming in my head and I mentally have to stand my grand and shove back. No Longer I say–no longer.

1) I am not enough.

This is probably the root of all my emotional/mental strain. That I feel I am not enough. That I’m not enough of a mother, a wife, pet owner, a friend, a person. I’m not smart enough, I’m not healthy enough, I’m not organized enough. you name it. When something goes crazy wrong, I feel that I have left someone down by not doing enough to stop what happened.

Well “not enough”—guess what!? I am MORE than enough. I am a good mother-I care for my child, feed him, cuddle him and play with him. I put him first before anything because I know that I matter more than the world to this little human.  I am MORE than enough of a wife. I cook, I clean, I try to keep it together and support my husband when he is having a bad day or struggling with a work issue. I am MORE than a good pet parent–my dogs and rabbit get love, get food and sometimes I even let them have those whip cream spoons or run around wild for a movement. And I take them to the vet when they need help to make sure they are themselves, as healthy as they can be.

I am MORE than enough of a friend. I will always be there for them and no matter what–there’s always a spare place to sleep at our house (just call ;-)) and I always try to offer food if anyone is hungry.

and finally–I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH OF A PERSON. In my faith, I believe God sees me as having value. As being important and cared for as who I am. I wouldn’t be created nothing less. Now– I don’t use this to place me in a position authority or discrimination. But as someone who needs reassurance and to upstart my confidence.

2) You’re At Fault/ You need to Fix this.

Everyone close to me know that I have a tendency to take things personally. To the point of getting upset over the little things because I take on too much. This happened two weeks ago. When something goes wrong—it is in my nature to want to fix it to make it right. Don’t like a certain food?- I’ll make a special dish. Don’t like green?- I’ll purposely wear your favorite color. Don’t like me?- I’ll change so you do. I want people to feel loved and happy despite my own self-identity at times.

Well- that is definitely NOT my fault. While encouraging others to build themselves is good, sacrificing self identity is not acceptable. I realistically know that I cannot please everyone. And that not everyone is going to like me at all times. Life still moves and I know who to turn to if I need to feel more positively about myself. I will not cut out negative nellies because this world can and does suck sometimes. But I don’t need to try and digest the world. Especially at that moment. I just need to learn to digest constructive criticism without major consequence.

3) I am not alone:

This isn’t as much of a voice as much as it is my actions. I wonder if it comes sometimes from the fact I was a child of a double uterus of my mother (look it up-basically it’s two pouches for babies instead of one.) or just because at a young age I was forced to grow up but I operate very independently. Both in activity and taking on caring and action. While this can be a positive—it can come untangled quickly.

I know spiritually I am not alone. God is with me. always. And here I know Shawn is with me and Austin Needs me! and that I have friends and Co-workers and even completely strangers at times who stand beside me. So this alone crap is nonsense! I’m inserting this picture from the cruise because here is our family in a huge crowded environment and the servers ended being the best!—even entertaining Austin so I could eat! Supporting each other is key and therefor I am not alone

I enclosed the other photos as well because I feel they are moments recently where I was feeling my best. That silent moment where you realize life is good, that you are loved and that it’s great to giggle once and a while. YAY ME!

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